


No Title Yet……

by banjo99



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Podcast: Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them, callbacks, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:02:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23522011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/banjo99/pseuds/banjo99
Summary: When Draco learns how to teleport and insult Ron anytime he says something particularly stupid, things get out of hand. Thanks to a Marauder's Style prank, we get to see EVERY ship we might want.
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	No Title Yet……

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Fanatical Fics and Where to find Them](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Fanatical+Fics+and+Where+to+find+Them).



A/N: This has been in my head since I heard a certain episode of Fanatical Fics (And Now for Something Completely Different). I sat down to write with a basic premise and then this happened. I don’t have pixy stix by I am about three glasses of wine in, so please, enjoy. I think this might count as a crack fic.

**No Title Yet……**

“Now Draco, are you sure that you want this?” Asked Professor Snape imperiously.

“Yes Professor. I’ve seen what you have done with it and how you use it. My father has also spoken of how he used it when he was in school. And even now with some blood traitors at the ministry.” Drawled Draco Malfoy, the ice prince himself.

“Fine. Just be sure you are very careful and never let anyone know the details. There are ways that this can be used against you. For example..”

Draco interrupted rudely, “I’m sure I can use it just fine. If my father has taught me anything, it’s how to handle filthy blood traitors and mudbloods.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A Passage of Time~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“….and I thought your family could sink no lower. I’ll see you at the work.” Said Lucius Malfoy, curtly.

“See you at school,” spat Draco, pushing past Ron, throwing the rest of his wizard coffee in Ron’s face and leaing Flourish and Blotts. (A/N Yes, there is a wizard starbucks in Flourish and Blotts now. Deal. With. It.  )

He had done it. Using the potion Professor Snape had provided him, he now had the option to appear and say something downright evil to that Weasel’s face whenever he wanted. Anytime Weasley said anything particularly stupid, he would feel a little twist in stomach and if he let it go, he would instantly appear within three feet of the person.

Snape had refined the initial potion so that it ever worked in some areas of Hogwarts. He had made sure the more embarrassing areas something could happen wouldn’t work for such a summoning. Draco didn’t care that sometimes he wouldn’t have enough control to resist the tug if it happened, especially if it happened multiple times in a row. He finally had a way to make sure that traitor got what he deserved – the biggest bully possible.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A Passage of Time~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Malfoy was just finishing breakfast and walked out the door when he felt the feeling that had been described. He went with it and disappeared.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A Change of Location~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Bloody hell…she was just a bit over the top, wudn’t she?” said Ron dumbfounded after the Howler from his Mum that morning.

“I heard that your Mom howls all the time annoyed about how poor you all are.” Malfoy drawled, appearing.

Ron turned and just stared at him. Why. Was. Malfoy WAY out here at the herbology greenhouses when Slytherins have Transfiguration up in one of the highest towers.

Harry turned and glared at Malfoy, “Came all this way just to make fun of him?”

“Oh it’s never an issue to show up and reward such…intelligent use of the English language, “ drawled Malfoy, who then ran off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A Change of Time~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Draco sprinted up to the Transfiguration room and thought he was good, sneaking in as McGonagall had her back to the room, writing on the board.

“Ten points from Slythern.” Said the Professor.

“but I was just five minutes late…” Draco stammered.

“Five more points then. Students will NOT be late for my classes. I don’t care what you think you are doing!” McGonagall glared.

Draco said down and took out his books. Fifteen points lost on the first go with the spell? Not bad but going to have to work on learning the Weasel’s schedule if he was going to figure out when it was MOST convenient for him to make fun of the younger Weasley.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And so…it continued. For the rest of second year. And third year. And Fourth Year. And Into Fifth YEAR! Almost every day, two or three times, Malfoy would appear, drop some scathing comment such as, “You’re Poor!” or “Your Parents are Dead!” sometimes when Potter was near Weasley, which was often.

Halfway through the fifth year, it got so that Malfoy could manage to teleport across the castle once per hour to make fun of Weasley. He loved to just hum “Weasley is our King”, having teleported and then hidden behind a suit of armor.

The spell, or maybe curse, was great for him though. The odds of Weasley saying something stupid multiple times in a row was far-fetched, so he had an easy time of resisting the nearly irresistible pull that happened each and every time Weasley said something stupid. Fortunately it didn’t work in Common Rooms, Bathrooms, or Bedrooms on the Hogwarts Grounds.

Halfway through sixth year, Ron just couldn’t handle it anymore.

“I. Just. Can’t. Do. This. Anymore!” Ron bellowed in between stuffing his mouth with all of the food in sight.

“Jesus Christ, Ron! If you keep eating like that, you’ll look just like Goyle! And you know he is trying to be bigger than the sun!” Hermione said.

“Mione, you know this isn’t normal. No one can physically get to me when I say these things unless he is apparating to me….which I mean…” Ron trailed off.

“Isn’t possible. Honestly Ron, how many times are you not going to read, Hogwarts, A History?” Hermione questioned. “Apparating isn’t possible on the grounds. Those charms are unbreakable!”

“Come on, Herms,” Ron begged. “Please help me…just maybe…you know…go do that Library thing you do so well and help me. I can’t handle another year of this bully being able to magically appear to me anytime he wants!”

“Oh alright. I did get ahead on my homework that I guessed was going to be assigned last week, so sure I can go and handle this for you Ron. Don’t worry, I’ll handle everything. I know you can’t handle these things that well, and Harry only knows one spell….” Hermione spewed, her eyes flashing like strobelights.

“Wait what?” Harry asked, turning and looking confused. Here he was enjoying a quiet bowl of porridge and Hermione had just thrown serious shade.

“Oh Harry, don’t be silly. It’s okay, I can see right through you and that one unusual spell that you cast. I think I first saw it when…” Hermione trailed off.

Harry interrupted nervously… “Right, yes, one spell, no worries…” whistling to himself as he gathered his things. “I’ve got to be off now, I need to go and drop off …..errr…. some new things in the Broomshed.”

“Okay, Harry, Have fun!” said Hermione wickedly. “I’m off, sign, to the library.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Perhaps I’ll start with magical eavesdropping..but then again I read all of those things last year to help destroy that vile Skeeter woman. I hope she enjoys her time in that special magic bubble under the lake. I think the squid knows how to give her more food through that small slit….” Hermione said outloud as she walked into the library.

Walking up and down the shelves she started muttering to herself, “Apparating the Impossible…..Summoning charms and Bringing the Best Fortune to You….I Can Apparate Now and So Can You….There is so much here, but maybe I should start back with Hogwarts, A History..”

Hermione grabbed an ancient copy marked, “Reserves, Do Not Remove From Library” as she had special access to the Reserve Section thanks to Madam Pince. The Reserved Section was for rarer, not darker, tomes of magic.

Hermione started reading, and flipped through the entire 1200 page book, and quietly exclaimed, “Ugh…there is nothing in here around apparating on the grounds except the Headmaster can lift this charm. But that’s not likely for Dumbledore to do it to help Malfoy…and the timing. It’s got to be something else.”

“Are you sure that you’ve read all of the book? My father told me recently that Salazar Slytherin and Godric Griffindor put a secret spell into the very foundation of the castle that allowed people to teleport throughout the castle once someone had been marked. It was a form of blood magic taught to them by the Skatterknock of the Glenwood Forest,” said a blond girl from a nearby table.

Hermione looked over at the table at this small, blond-haired girl reading a magazine upside down and wearing colored glasses.

“You’re being strange. I’ve read this book cover to cover. You think you can find something I can’t? Hermione said.

The blond girl walked over and started to flip through the book, with a type of willowy grace. She got to page 394 and stopped, staring at the page. She held it up, leaned over, bent her head slightly, and then reached in her pocket and withdrew a razor blade. She then proceeded to slip it between two pages and they came apart, adding an entirely NEW chapter to Hogwart’s, A History.

“Sometimes a book doesn’t want to tell all of its story at once,” The blond girl said.

Hermione and the blond girl began to read the chapter, and it was a page turned. Within the chapter was detailed the sordid affair of Slythern and Griffindor. They knew that when building the castle, they had to make sure that no one could just appear into the grounds, as that was a time when being magical was enough to get you killed by muggles. But they wanted to be able to appear next to each other anytime they wanted so they could express their…. affection….for each other. So with a little spellwork, a potion, and coating of blood and squid ink at the very foundation of Hogwarts, the two would be able to teleport to each other anytime they wanted.

The author of this chapter included the potion that the two used to be able to teleport. It also included some potential variations that allowed teleportation to occur at different times, as well.

They turned the last page, and noted that it was some sort of magical requirement that the reader signed their initials to the page. Hermione quickly and professionally added her initials “HJG”. The blond girl followed with “LL”. Hermione noted as the pages were starting to close up again the person before her was “THBP” and the person before that just signed as “P”. What odd initials….

The Blond Girl giggled. “See, I was right. Plus who would have known Slytherin left because Griffindor was a swinger!”

Hermione turned to the blond girl, “Who are you?”

The Blond Girl turned, “Oh I’m nobody to most people, but I’m somebody to a few people…” She looked up and saw a tall, pale man in the doorframe staring at her. “And I was somebody to at least one person…..see who just walked in? My Dad’s about to tell me something horrible….it’s such a pain to be able to See…..”

The Blond Girl grabbed her things and walked to the man, “Hey there, little lady….” The man said sadly. And they walk off.

Hermione’s mouth just fell open, with tears in her eyes. Too much had happened. But with a sudden flicker of color in her eye – from purple to gold to blue to brown….she knew what she had to do, and who would be more than willing to help.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After Defense Against the Dark Arts, Hermione asked Ron and Harry to wait outside the classroom while she had a quick word with Professor Lupin. He had come back for Sixth Year at the request of Dumbledore and was more than happy to be back in the classroom.

Hermione explained everything that she read in that copy of Hogwarts, A History, and the pattern that had…appeared…over the past several years. Lupin was skeptical about the entire thing.

“Honestly Hermione, I’ve never heard of an enchanted book like that,” Lupin said.

“Well you haven’t heard about a lot of dark things, Mooney,” Sirius Black said, walking into the classroom, Harry and Ron following.

Sirius walked up Mooney and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. “Hello, Mooney,” Sirius said.

“Hello, Padfoot. You just couldn’t wait until after class to see me again. I was coming back to our quarters right after I finished talking to Hermione,” Lupin said.

It had been a joyous occasion last summer when Sirius had appeared in the Death Chamber in the Department of Mysteries. As near as the Order could determine based on their intelligence missions, the Veil had shattered exactly 13 months after Voldemort had attained a body. This released Black and five other ministry wizards and witches appeared, as well as two ancient Greek muggles. The two muggles died about a weeks later. One of the witches died the day Dumbledore picked up Harry from the Dursleys that year. The Unspeakables were not sure if there was a coincidence or not, but were investigating what could cause such a break in death.

In the meantime, Sirius was cleared of all charges and declared an innocent man based on the testimony of the Order.

He had also filed suit against the Ministry and suddenly there was a lot less issues for Black and the man he loved. It’s amazing what a defamation lawsuit could do for your bank account as well as your standing.

Anyway, Hermione recapped for Sirius what she believed was going on. Sirius made a face, and called Harry over to him.

“Assholissiful revealum location” Sirius said, pointing his wand at Harry. Harry’s right hand suddenly flashed hot, and turned green. Looking furious, he grabbed a vial out of his pocket, pointed his wand at the green spot, saying “Gaseousificul Renderum”, and the spot became a gas and flew into the vial.

“I can’t believe it. The bastard actually did it.” Sirius said, with a menacing look on this face. “That bastard marked my grandchild….I mean godchild!”

“Wait what?” Hermione asked.

“But Sirius, what does that mean? What are you saying? What was that green mark on my hand?” Harry asked. The passing mention of the grandchild being forgotten.

“Have you ever been saying something, or just about to be in what could be an awkward situation and Snape just appeared near you?” Sirius asked.

“Why…yes. He does that quite often. It’s like he has the best timing. Or is just following me, but I mean would he just walk around following me?” Harry said.

“I can’t believe Severus figured it out. I mean I knew when James did it to him a few times we jokingly mentioned where the story was, but it is just so farfetched. If James wouldn’t have overheard it from his grandfather, we never would have looked in that book.” Sirius said.

“Wait, so James did this sort of thing to Severus in school?” Lupin asked.

“Yes, there were some….things…that stayed between just him and me. We did like to engage in a lot of activities from time to time. But now you know everything…especially after I told you about that time…” Sirius said.

“Another time, Padfoot. I’ll have to discipline you later,” Lupin said.

“But Professor, I was talking to you about Ron. Draco Malfoy has been doing this to him since….as long as we can remember,” Hermione said.

“Yeah, thanks for bringing me back into the conversation, Mione. Please, can you help, Sirius?” Ron asked.

Sirius walked over, pointed his wand at Ron and said “Assholissiful revealum location”. He noticed then that there was a green mark and a blue one. Taking to vials from his robes, pointed his wand at each spot in turn, saying “Gaseousificul Renderum”, and collecting the potions in the vials.

“I’ll make sure that Severus is taken care of. But first, let’s play a Marauder’s style prank on Malfoy,” Sirius said.

“Marauder’s?” Harry asked.

“Oh Harry, you’re about to learn a lot,” Lupin said. “It is time Mr Malfoy learns exactly what happens when someone appears at the wrong moment.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Expelled. His wand broken. Disowned by his family. He couldn’t believe it. Draco Malfoy was having a shitty day.

It had started well enough, until that mudblood Granger spilled pumpkin juice on him as he was leaving the Great Hall. Had that been a maniacally happy glint in her eye?

Draco had stormed off, but then felt the familiar sensation, turned on the spot, and was prepared to drop a casual, “You’re poor, Weasel King…..” but was shocked by what he found.

Usually, he would only be teleported to someplace public in the castle, not a classroom, nor a dormitory and certainly not next time someone’s bed. He gathered his senses quickly, and looked around for his target. He noticed the red draping’s everywhere. He looked down at the bed and saw a naked Ron Weasley, gently stroking his large….wand.

“What. The. Fuck…..How….”.Draco said and darted out of the dormitory. He ran down the stairs, through the Common Room, and out into the corridor.

“100 points from Slythern!” screamed McGonagall! How dare you be in another house’s dormitory!

“I’m sorry professor, I’m sorry….” Shouted Malfoy. He turned the corner, felt the familiar tug, was surprised to feel it again so soon, turned on the spot and found himself falling into the large pool in the Prefect bathroom.

Harry Potter was on the edge of the pool, with his tongue down the throat of Oliver Wood. “But what the….where is…..” Draco sputtered in the water while struggling to get his feet under him.

“Where is….who…..?” Wood asked in between kissing Harry.  
Draco climbed out of the pool and surprisingly slowly walked away from Harry and Oliver, looking back several times at the rather….excitable situation…..

Draco excited the Prefect Bathroom and heard a frighteningly familiar screech.

“Another hundred points from Slythern!” bellowed McGonagall! You are not a prefect. I have told you this before when I caught you staring at…”

“I’m sorry professor, I promise, I won’t let it happen again…” Draco quickly and embarrassingly said.

Draco ran down the hall, turned the corner and then he felt the tug again. He couldn’t resist it this time. Two times through the secret lover teleportation technique in a row was enough to stop his ability to resist. He automatically turned…..

And saw Ginny and Hermione locked in each other’s arms….then CRACK…appearing in the dungeon seeing Lockhart and Snape locked mouth-to-mouth, making out…then CRACK in the greenhouse watching Professor Sprout and Madan Hooch tangled up….then CRACK into the DADA classroom to Sirius and Lupin…then CRACK outside of the castle seeing the Giant Squid inserting its tentacles into the windows of Hogwarts?....then CRACK into the broomshed to see Cormac McGlaggen astride his Nimbus 2001…then CRACK Neville and Seamus in the Quidditch lockerroom, then CRACK Harry and Oliver in the bathroom, CRACK Crab and Goyle in the room of requirement?, CRACK Harry and Oliver again, CRACK where was he now?

Looking around he saw portraits hanging on the walls. He turned and saw Dumbledore and McGonagall standing together, staring him down.

“Professor…” Draco said, out of breath. It had been a lot to be automatically teleported like that. “Why am I here?”

“You’re here because I permitted Sirius Black to play a small prank on you, rather than have him sue the school and likely own the castle.” Dumbledore said, with a twinkle in his eye.

“I slightly modified the potion so that it would appear anyone said your name. You were rather well marked by Miss Granger this morning,” stated Dumbledore.

“But wait…they said my name…everytime I just…everytime…every…EVERYTIME!?!?” Malfoy ejaculated.

“Yes, every time.” Professor McGonagall said. “But this was coordinated well enough that I decided to catch you the old fashioned way.”

“So why was everyone…” Draco trailed off. Lockhart and Snape? Crabbe and Goyle? What the hell? He thought to himself…

“I’m not sure what you’re referring to, but I hope you realize how irresponsible, dangerous, immature, and idiotic what you did is.” Dumbledore said. With a flick of his wand, he caused Professor Snape to appear next to Malfoy.

“Headmaster?” Snape asked, questioningly.

“Severus Septemus Snape, you have betrayed the trust of this school. You know that marking students in such a way is strictly forbidden. I thought all of these years Harry had been exaggerating. Clearly, he had not said enough.” Dumbledore said sternly.

Dumbledore flicked his wand again and an entire container of vials rotated out from one of the storage closets in the office. “All of them. Every single student in the school you marked with this potion. I cannot believe you, Severus.”

“How else was I to maintain discipline? That arrogant bastard Potter did the same..” Snape started, but was interrupted.

“ENOUGH.” Dumbledore said with finality. “I’m sorry that James Potter bullied you in school, but you are a grown man. It is time you get over it.”

Dumbledore flicked his wand at Malfoy and Snape, and their wands flew to his desk.

“Severus, you’re fired. The Ministry will be here shortly to arrest you for your conduct related to treating students and enabling this bully. Malfoy, you’re expelled. I’ve messaged your father. You’ve been disowned. And the Ministry will be destroying your wand. Now OUT!” said Dumbledore.

“You need me,” Snape said.

“No, I don’t. I finally have a way to stop Lord Voldemort.” Dumbledore said. At that time, Harry, Hermione, and Ron walked into the office.

He stood from his desk, walked to a clear space in the office, and began saying, “Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort,” continuing until he had said it 42 times. Suddenly the Dark Lord appeared.

Hermione muttered a quick spell she had learned in the Reserve section, pointed her wand at Voldemort, and Harry Potter stabbed Tom Riddle through the heart with a pipe.

“But what about the horcruxes?” Snape asked.

“It’s just a simple spell to bind his soul to his body. It negates horcruxes.” Hermione said. “Now that that is finished, Draco, would you please come and make out with me?

The End


End file.
